“Good bye”— I have said it to you many times but I never really meant it, I said it because you didn’t feel the same way and I had to let you go, as if by saying it I was affirming the idea in my head that I am over you and finally letting go. But then you always managed to find your way back in, or I always managed to find a way to let you back in, every time convincing myself that this time will be different, that maybe this time you will get to see what I see, or maybe this time you changed your mind, or I could make you change your mind, but it was always the same scenario, the same ending, the same disappointment, the same heartbreak and the same resentment.
It feels like I was giving you a chance to break my fragile heart again every time, yet you always held a special place in my heart, and I always thought of you at the most random times and in the most random places and the thought of you always made me smile.
There is something magical about you, I believe.
My friends always told me that they don’t understand what I saw in you or why I’m so hung up on you, and I never knew what to tell them because I don’t even know the answer to that. I know I see something they don’t see; isn’t that how love works? But love is also blind. I still have this image of you in my head that’s just wonderful, that makes me believe there is more to you, that makes me believe that you are much kinder than you act, that beneath this cold exterior lies a heart of gold, a beautiful soul, a caring heart and a very loving person.
I tried so many times to dig through your depths, but you wouldn’t even let me scratch the surface. I never said anything because I enjoyed these moments with you more than I enjoyed my entire life, and I didn’t want to believe that they are over, that they won’t happen again, so I thought maybe if I stuck around; you will finally trust me and open up to me, little did I know that nothing will ever open your heart to me.
So I am saying “goodbye” to you because I need to love myself, I need to be with someone who wants to be with me, who goes the extra mile, who doesn’t require years to let me in, who doesn’t disappoint me all the time, and I think I came to the obvious conclusion that you are not that one and I don’t think you’ll ever be. I think I need to do this right, this is not like all the other times I said I would let you go and I didn’t because this time I am putting myself first.
So goodbye, to you, to your memories, to your pain, to your heartbreak, to your disappointments, and to your friendship. You made me believe in love, you made me believe that I am capable of loving someone with all my heart, you made me realize that I am loyal and that I don’t give up on love that easily.
So this is my final goodbye to you; your lesson is learned, your chapter is over, the page needs to be flipped or torn and I need to start over. But I wish you knew how much you meant to me and how you made me feel. I wish you knew that no matter how broken I was, I was still willing to fix you. I wish you knew so many things, but now when I think about it, I don’t think it would’ve mattered to you. If you didn’t know it all along then you never will. Even though you will always be the one that got away.
Written By Oni Damilola
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Special Shout Out To Modupetemi and Rania.